I set a boundary and, shockingly, the world didn't end

And realising my self-worth is still dependent on other people's opinions of me

Summer cocktails in the garden. Photo by User_Pascal on Unsplash

On Friday, we’d planned to have a couple of friends over for homemade pizza and drinks. It had been in the calendar for weeks, and I was looking forward to a chilled out catch-up, sitting in the garden in the balmy evening air.

A few days beforehand, one of the friends messaged and said some other shared friends were visiting the area and had asked what they were up to on Friday night. They hadn’t wanted to say they were coming to ours, as it obviously wasn’t their place to invite them. So my partner and I were left with a quandary—do we include them in our plans, which would lead to an extra four people in the house, a much bigger pizza order and a later night? Even though it felt harsh to think it, neither of us were up for it, still recovering from an incredibly busy couple of weeks.

So our options were: 1. Do ‘the nice thing’ and invite them, putting our needs to one side. 2. Pretend we’re unaware they’re in the area and stick to the original plans. 3. Honour our boundaries, and message the out-of-town friends to say we’ve heard they’re in the area, but we’re after a low-key evening and would rather not have extra people coming over.

In the past, I would have always gone for option one. Be nice. Be the person who says yes to everyone. Be the people-pleaser. Keep everyone sweet. But I’m not that person anymore—that person was always burnt out and sad.

Option number two doesn’t sit well with me, as it feels too dishonest and mean. I like these people and enjoy spending time with them, just not the coming Friday.

So we opted for option three, which was WAY out of my comfort zone. I messaged the friend from out of town, explaining we were looking for a low-key evening, and I hoped there were no hard feelings. I told her we couldn’t wait to see them the next time, which was completely true.

I pressed send and put down my phone. I was relieved and pleased we’d honoured our needs.

But then I started to get scared. What if she didn’t reply? What would that mean? What if she didn’t understand, and I’d upset her, and wrecked our quite new friendship? What if she replied with, “Mate, that’s just not cool”? The longer I waited, the more sick I felt. What had I done? Should we have just said yes? I was pacing the kitchen and couldn’t concentrate on anything other than this.

But then my recently-found self-awareness popped up. What the hell was I doing? I stepped back and looked at myself: I was terrified of being rejected. Of being misunderstood. I believed it would prove I’m a bad person if she didn’t take it well. These themes come up again and again in my life.

So, Adult Amy drew her own boundary, and reminded Little Amy that even if the friend didn’t take it well, it wasn’t a representation of who I am as a person. I’m not a bad person. And, also, if she didn’t take it well, it would feel gross, but ultimately I’d know we’d made the right choice for us—we can’t please all the people all the time. And if she took it really badly, perhaps she wasn’t someone I wanted in my life anyway.

With these calming thoughts, I managed to distract myself and get on with my life. Three hours later, she replied, saying it was completely fine, they were only going to be around for a minute and were involved in another event anyway. Then we had a nice back-and-forth catch up. This time when I put my phone down, I was walking on air—I’d put up boundaries, and the person on the other side had respected them.

As my counsellor would say, I now have evidence that boundaries don’t have to end in disaster. I can begin to overwrite those past experiences when I’ve been put down or belittled by others, or told I was being selfish or dramatic for vocalising my needs.

Ultimately, we had an excellent, chilled evening. We caught up, ate delicious pizza (my partner must have been a chef in a previous life), had a few cocktails, watched the sun set and Venus pop out, and went indoors when the bats appeared to catch the mosquitos gathering around us. We were easily in bed by eleven. Living the dream ;-)

Are you adept at setting boundaries? Or does the very thought of them send you into a tailspin? I’d love to hear from you.

Thank you for reading,

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A cappuccino in Prague. Photo by me!